


Babysitting Requires Babies and Other Rules of SHIELD Agent Training

by scribblemyname



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: BAMF Maria Hill, Geckoholic's Birthday Comment Meme, Gen, Humor, Mentions of on again / off again background pairings, Recruitment, Science Accidents, Spies & Secret Agents, Strike Team Delta, Weapons of Unusual Kinds, shield training
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-22
Updated: 2015-01-22
Packaged: 2018-03-08 15:53:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3214895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scribblemyname/pseuds/scribblemyname
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fury brought his best STRIKE team down to Madripoor and found the day had already been saved and tied off with a pretty little bow by one woman, Maria Hill, representative of the United States armed forces and completely uninterested in doing more than handing SHIELD cleanup of the incident.</p><p>Naturally, he offered her a job.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Babysitting Requires Babies and Other Rules of SHIELD Agent Training

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tielan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tielan/gifts), [geckoholic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/geckoholic/gifts).



> So this didn't actually turn out the way I expected, but I hope you like.

Fury brought his best STRIKE team down to Madripoor and found the day had already been saved and tied off with a pretty little bow by one woman, representative of the United States armed forces and completely uninterested in doing more than handing SHIELD cleanup of the incident.

Naturally, he offered her a job.

"With all due respect, I need to finish out my tour of duty before I consider joining SHIELD," she told him.

"If you want to sign up, Commander Hill, I will be pleased to discuss transferring your service."

It took him a few more months and a headache of a favor with the Department of Defense, but he got her. In the end, Fury got what he wanted, which was SHIELD Agent Maria Hill, and put her on the fast track for career training.

* * *

Maria walked into the gym expecting her SO to be someone remarkably competent. The name 'Coulson' might have been bandied about. What she got instead was a typical cocky guy sprawled on a bench near the wall next to a pile of odd-looking gear and a competent looking blonde woman in tac gear swigging bottled water.

Maria entered on the tail end of the guy saying, "And here comes our baby agent."

"I am not a baby agent," Maria said matter-of-factly, giving him a miffed once over. "I was a crossrecruit from the Marines."

"Is that right?" He moved almost before she realized and was standing with a bow drawn and an arrow nocked and aimed at her heart within five seconds.

She had her gun pointed at him in six.

"Mission objective failed," he crowed.

"Congratulations, Barton," the blonde said in a bored tone and dropped the bottle near the pile of gear. She pulled out two small staves and twirled them appraisingly.

"What are you talking about?" Maria demanded, not lowering the gun, though his unconventional bow and arrow had rejoined the heap.

Barton grinned at her. "Rule of SHIELD agent training: babysitting requires babies. You're not a baby."

"A plum assignment," interjected an Asian woman walking up. "Agent May," she introduced herself and shook Maria's hand curtly. "I got the royal egg chamber."

The blonde perked with visible interest.

"Sharon, Trip," May said. "Ring any bells?"

"Nice," Barton replied.

"I did get one baby agent," May went on. "Lance Hunter."

The blonde hissed.

Barton jerked a thumb in her direction and told Maria, "Bobbi's off again."

"Word of the wise," May added, "look out. Barton's her on again."

"Thanks, everyone. That's enough of that." Bobbi snapped out her battle staves and flicked some sort of trigger. An arc of electricity danced between them. "Let's do a quick test of your hand to hand skills, Barton can check you on the range, then we'll give you a run through the obstacle course. What do you say?"

Maria said the only thing that felt sane and reasonable in the midst of this unusual little group of trainers. "Yes, ma'am."

* * *

"I was your punishment duty, wasn't I?" she asked afterward on the way to the locker room.

"His." Bobbi jerked a nod in Barton's general direction. "He hates training agents regardless of how good they are, but he's also the best marksman SHIELD has."

And the best Maria had ever seen, despite knowing quite a few snipers.

"Fury gave me onboarding with you because he thinks you're the best recruit he's gotten since Romanova. You'll like her."

Somewhat mollified, Maria filed the name away for later.

* * *

By the time she met Romanova, it was Romanoff and she really wished someone had warned her that Romanoff was both recruited by Barton and the other half of the same STRIKE team, Delta.

"Fury wants you trained on STRIKE operations," Romanoff said simply without any leading small talk. That at least was a trait Maria could appreciate. "You can call me Natasha."

"Or Nat or Tasha or Red." Barton grinned.

Natasha didn't even flick an eyebrow. "Natasha."

"Pleasure to meet you." Maria shook hands then returned to her briefing and frowned when she didn't immediately see where she fit. She kept looking and stopped cold in surprise. "Is there an extraction plan?"

A STRIKE operation wasn't like a regular reconaissance or intelligence assignment or even protection duty. It was an anti-terrorist grab or hit and had a remarkable tendency for trouble to hit the fan. The lack of an exit strategy was more than mildly disturbing, and Barton's wolfish grin was worse.

Natasha smiled slightly. "Here's what we want you to do."

* * *

Ten hours, three bombs, and a firefight later, Maria peeled herself out of a smoking cockpit on a Quinjet, forced herself to walk straight down the ramp without stumbling, and gratefully leaned on Agent May's sympathetic arm when offered.

"I need a drink."

"Mission report first," Coulson said apologetically as he shot Barton and Romanoff an admonishing look (and got back Barton's cheeky grin and Romanoff's 'well, she's alive, isn't she?' micro-expression). 

Maria just glared at him.

May mercifully got her a drink.

* * *

Rule of SHIELD Agent Training, number indefinite, is that all agents regardless of faux age status must endure trial by fire. Literally.

The less said, the better.

* * *

"Congratulations," Coulson told her. "You are officially a juvenile agent. You've survived Strike Team Delta, surveillance, weapons of unusual kinds, and the Fridge. Time for espionage."

"I am not a spy," Maria replied promptly.

Which was true. But apparently, Fury wanted her trained on literally everything, even if that merely meant a tour and babysitting more paperwork than any lab had a right to produce.

"How do you feel about modelling?"

Maria looked at his calm expression in horror. "No."

* * *

Rule of SHIELD Agent Training, number indefinite, is 'you shoot it, you fill out the paperwork.'

"This is cruel and unusual punishment," Maria muttered.

Barton, in for a separate offense, agreed vehemently, "That guy definitely had it coming."

Maria wondered briefly how Natasha ever got anything done if Barton felt so strongly about someone copping a feel.

She eyed her foot high stack of forms to fill out. "It's not like he'll never walk again," she griped.

"Pity," Natasha said as she dropped into the chair across the table and peered over Barton's shoulder. "They'll never let you have an explosive arrow again."

"Sure, they will." Barton grinned. "Fitz will cry if they discontinue his arrows."

Maria filed the name away for later.

* * *

When unidentified purple smoke poured down the hallway from the direction of the lab, Maria locked down the ventilation system, pulled the alarm, and evacuated the area in keeping with protocol.

Coulson looked proud as a new parent.

Bobbi, Mack, and the guy called Fitz looked rumpled and highly irritated when they were finally let through, hacking and coughing from the smoke. Turned out the smoke wasn't any worse than if something had burned.

"It's mostly harmless," Bobbi told her breathless as she crammed in next to Maria, smelling faintly of sulphur. "Mack's idea." 

"Barton's idea," Fitz countered. "He wanted fog on demand."

"In an arrow," Bobbi added.

Mack exhaled purple smoke. "Bad idea."

The four of them chimed in agreement.

* * *

"Congratulations, Agent Hill," Nick Fury told her. "I understand you've worked in every department SHIELD has and are a full status agent with Level 7 security clearance."

"Yes, Sir," she said cautiously.

Fury's wolfish grin was less reassuring than Barton's. "How do you feel about Deputy Director?"

She stared at him.

"With all due respect, ma'am, why did you think I hired you?"

* * *

Rule of SHIELD Agent Training, number one, is always surprise them.


End file.
